I didn’t want to kill myself yesterday.
Ron’s doing okay. A simple question you can ask most of the population and they’d say no to is, “do you want to die today?” Maybe over 80% would say no. There’s a lot of people out there in the world with mental illness, or people in general who are having a real bad time. I wouldn’t wish this on anybody, day in and day out constantly fighting against yourself, fighting your own mind when it’s doing everything it can to pull you deeper into that hole.
As much as my depression would like me to believe, I’m not a failure, or loser, I’m not pathetic or hopeless. I, in my state of anxiety and depression decided to do something, put myself out there and attempt something I’ve always wanted. There were times where I felt it wouldn’t work or that it was a waste of time, I kept going, as hard as it was and now I’ve built a community. People look up to me, care about me, wonder how I’m doing and tell me I’ve helped them out tremendously.
Now, I have friends who do support me and do love me and care about me however I always felt not just one or two steps behind, I felt like it was the Amazing Race and I’m still listening to the host explain the competition while they’re halfway to Berlin on their third challenge. I failed to understand that life is not a race, there is no one set path that any of us have to follow. A lot of people went ahead and got their University degree and now want a career in nothing that correlates with it, life can and most certainly will throw you through a loop. As much as you may want it to change or want it to end, the only way for it to get better is to keep living it.
Depression is an everyday battle, I’m not saying things are wonderful and I’m the best. Halfway through writing this I had just one stray thought and already my mood for the whole day is altered negatively, it’s that easy. I can be as rich and famous as possible, I could have an amazing body and become Dwayne “The Ron” Johnson, hell I could be stranded on Jennifer Lawrence Island where cuddling is mandatory and I would always volunteer as tribute. However, Depression will always follow me, and at the end of the day it almost always wins. I just need to remember there is a whole lot of support I can use, there’s a whole bunch of activities I can do, and the only way life can get better, is if I keep living it. Everyday is a battle with depression, yesterday I won, and I look forward to many more days with many more victories. -Nerd Out