The Life and Times

It’s tough. Fighting the same losing battle everyday. The days change from I wonder what I’ll do today to how long can I distract myself. No matter how different the paint is in these four walls, I’ll remain the same. Can’t just facelift trauma, transmission is busted and you can’t go anywhere? Yeah but have you tried just washing the car? I’m sure it’ll make a big difference. It’s the same cycle, play mental Jenga until everything falls down, feels like you’re on the ledge and want to reach out then realize the people who you would talk to still didn’t even respond to the last time you tried. Now every night you’re just weighing out pros and cons and it’s not very positive.

I’ve been a fool.
I have had one of the worst years mentally, and I can’t even talk about it. I try, and I’m met with, You are strong Ron, you are tough! You are the toughest, strongest person I know! You will bounce back I am sure of it! Now fuck off, either take my false positivity and leave me alone or I’ll see you at the funeral. How many times will I have to hit rock bottom for it to be taken seriously? Does Dwayne himself have to do it at Summerslam or is it truly alright Ron we have pools going if it’s going to happen just end it already so I have some extra Christmas money.

I just got to laugh at myself, I think that was one of the best things I did even if I couldn’t do it for myself was making people laugh and feel somewhat welcome and be able to be themselves. Which is weird because I really do not like myself, I am my own worst critic and I’ll be the first to tell you Ron is the biggest dumb idiot in the world. It sucks because I know there are some homies out there who haven’t given up on our hero Ron, and will even ask me, “What can I do to help” and the heartbreaking thing is, nothing. Even if I was Lotto649 | Powerball | JLaw | Ronaldokun (Also this blog brought to you by Raid: Shadow Legends, one of the most ambitious RPGs of our time, I like the champion Suhtie because not only does it look like she’ll lie to get all of your gold and cheat on you, she won’t! BUT if she did she’s a ruthless Rogue/Hunter so you can’t be mad #Ad) I’m so stupid lol. Even if I had all the money in the world to do whatever I wanted it would still just be a distraction, eventually I’d have to be alone in my bed plagued by my thoughts urging me to give up. Even if I wanted to I couldn’t trust again, I wouldn’t let myself. Pretty sure every relationship where I fell in love I got cheated on. Now I second guess everything, myself, family, friends I don’t think anything would really change if I was gone, aww man that guy I don’t respond to is dead, R.I.P I guess?

So what now? You got people telling you things will get better when you’ve been wanting to kill yourself for over a decade before you’ve ever spoke to them, they’ll get better? It has only exponentially gotten worse, I’ve had more people give up on me than I have to talk to. I have family who won’t talk to me about it but get upset when I won’t lie and say “I’m fine, how are you?” to others. It’s cool that you want to kill yourself Ron, just don’t tell people about it, it’ll make me look bad. The people who you think would be there for you aren’t and that cuts a little deeper.

Ronny, time will pass and you’ll feel better, it’s just seasonal depression. Yeah, just seasonal, I’m depressed in the Winter, the Spring, the Summer & the Fall. After a certain point you stop being upset, you stop being surprised. You can’t make people care about you and you wouldn’t want to, if you have to force reciprocation maybe you don’t deserve it? If you keep reaching out for help but everyone’s watching you sink deeper and deeper maybe you’re supposed to drown? I crashed my car, tried to kill myself and survived. Why me? Successful, actual valued people get in accidents and get taken away and here I am getting to breathe, for what? Every year since then has gotten more and more terrible, getting pushed and shoved closer to the ledge and I can’t do anything, I feel I deserve it, this much? This often? Maybe I shouldn’t have survived, all I’ve done is become a joke nobody takes seriously. I just hope one day all of this can be helpful, that nobody else has to get to this point and when someone reaches out people around them hear their voice. I’ve had a good life, filled with great people just maybe it’s not supposed to be a long one but that’s life, and times are tough. -Nerd Out.