Can You Imagine?

Greetings friends, it’s me, The Sheikh of Sadness, The Crestfallen Czar, Dr.Doomed, Ronny Boy.

There’s a lot to catch you up on so let’s talk. *Guitar Solo* *Ron pointing at the camera from different angles*, *Ron eating a bagel*, *Ron taking a sip from a mug at an office*,*Ron smiling at a text from a sweetie* *Ron eating another bagel*
This is, The Ron Report. *Fade to black*

Hey! There’s three weddings coming up, as you get older you realize the people around you kinda have their life figured out and they find others to be in these, what do you call them, meaningful relationships? Eventually one of them proposes and say out of all of these Jabronies you’re the number one sweetie, you wanna smooch forever or…? Which is really cool, Zoomer Ron used to say ‘Yay for love’ all the time whenever I’d see a couple, God that feels like a lifetime ago, but yeah, Yay for love! Glad to see the people I love find people they love. Actually? Ronny boy got asked to be best man at one of them, which? Me? Out of all the cool badass homies, you pick worst timeline Idris Elba? It’s an honor, I kinda felt (still feel) I’m the fuckup of every single group of pals I’m in, so it’s a little weird I guess to be given such a huge role for probably top 3 most important days of their life. However the scheduling does interfere with my Ronny Removal Regimen, but hey what’s another year of suffering? Actually really looking forward to it haha.

So Ronny, all these weddings, what about you big guy? Any Sweeties? Sweetumses? Babearini’s? Pfft Not even if I had 3 magic lamps and 4 genies. (Bars)

I did meet someone. Studio Audience: WOOOOOOOO! OWW! OWW!
She’s smart, hilarious, gorgeous, a big nerd and whenever I talk to her it’s my favorite part of the day. All facts, no printer Muhma always hot, sunny days no winter. (Bars)
She’s everything I want in a partner. However I don’t want a partner.
My man! So when are we gonna mee- Chotto fucking matte! Rooooon? Ron?? Ronaldinho? What do you mean by that? If she’s perfect? Then 2+2=4??? I can’t do it fellers.
Wow Ron, you have one bad relationship and you’re just done? You get completely heartbroken, cheated on and finessed out of your savings and you’re just finished? You have your trust completely taken advantage of, get lied to almost every day for the entire time you’ve known them and you just give up? You’re told that she can’t wait to see you but she’s way too far away, yet she’s living with another man not even 30 minutes away the whole year and you’re just throwing in the towel? Yes =) Wow Ron, you’re stronger than that. I mean if that happened to anybody else it would destroy us but it didn’t LMAO it happened to you LOL so just get over it. I didn’t lose my life savings, you did but it’s just money! I didn’t get maliciously taken advantage of you did and to be fair I am engaged to be married in this beautiful home with my lovely fiancé but relax you’ll find someone else!

Listen, I don’t have baggage, I have a fully packed Uhaul, and she doesn’t deserve that, nobody does. I’m not sure if I could ever trust again, so why hurt someone by being in some pseudo relationship I can’t put my all into because I’d think I’ll just be cheated on? But Ron it was just one lady caught up in crazy Covid who took advantage of you, it won’t be all of them. Hmmm.. Every relationship I’ve been in where I’ve fallen in love I’ve been cheated on. Rooon, surely not all of them, what about that weird one? The Tasmanian Devil? Yepp her too. Nigga…. Yeah I’m saying! Some of you have known me since I was what 15? For 17 years, every single relationship. All strikeouts, call me Ronny Redpen. (Okay so remember when you made a mistake in school and the teacher crosses it out in red and puts the correct answer on top? Yeah that’s bars you just didn’t get it, all good)

I find it very tough to have serious conversations these days, especially the ones that go Hey, we’re worried about you Ron. I’m in a different situation than you, you just don’t understand. Imagine having a learning disability and everyone in the room thinks you’re just being lazy or not working hard enough because you aren’t able to do what they can. You explain as simple as you could, clear and concise, but it’s the Ahh no I Googled it, you could figure it out but you don’t want to. Your asthma isn’t that bad, just run with us, I heard you don’t even need an inhaler. Your lived experiences aren’t good enough because in their heads? No way is it that bad, I won’t bother to further inquire so Ron must be wrong, clearly he could just get all his shit fixed if he cared, he must not want to have a future, wow, really sad.

My pup is really sick, 12 years old. Having trouble breathing and it’s messing me up, if I hear her wheezing I run over to check if she’s okay, if I don’t hear her wheezing I worry she’s not breathing at all. What I beat myself up about is I’d be able to take care of her and a lot of other things yet I emptied out everything to help someone who didn’t need help, I can’t afford to help my sick dog because someone I loved made up some bullshit so they can have money to party. And that fucking hurts, it will always, fucking hurt.
*SWOOSH* NEVER FEAR, IT IS I, HINDSIGHT HENRY! With my powers of deduction and being well off I will make you feel like shit, instead of easily helping your current situation! Well Ron. I always had a bad feeling. You shouldn’t have helped, Can’t you just sue? Talk to the bank? I hope you learned your lesson brother.
Y-You hope I learned my lesson? Imagine asking for help with your sick dog and you’re being given an “I told you so” Man.

Here I am, struggling. Every time I ask for help I feel like garbage, I should be able to take care of these things alone yet I’m not. It’s as if as soon as I swim close to the surface, I get dragged back down to the bottom. Nobody understands how dark the bottom is, the helplessness, the thought of ending it everyday, hoping and praying it gets better tomorrow but it only gets worse. How many goodbye letters, how many texts left in drafts. Everybody has this mysterious hope that things are going to be better one day, that I’ll just spring into action and erase over a decade of trauma. That one day all of a sudden I’ll be okay and I’ll be back to normal but, can you imagine if I don’t? -Nerd Out.