Hello, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays. Hope you’ve all been well and enjoyed the festivities.
This will probably be one of my last posts. Things aren’t looking good for our hero Ron. I feel like an old sick dog, every time I reach out it’s dismissed Ah I know it hurts boy, I’m sorry Ron, I wish you could tell us what’s wrong. Oh well, keep the faith, pray, try yoga, don’t let it bother you, it is what it is and try therapy. This looks like it might be bad, let’s try to help! Oh it turned out terribly? The worst case scenario? Oh well, can’t be around for this, be strong or whatever, I’d say keep in touch but I will not be contacting you.
I’ll be as real as I can be in this one. There is no masterpiece I can paint, no song I can sing, no poetry I can recite, no excerpt I can read that’ll tell you exactly how it is. I have been depressed for a long time. For 20+ years I have seen the person I love the most be slowly eaten alive by an incurable sadness, and it bled into my relationships. No matter how crappy friends were to me, I still had them around, no matter how crappy the romance was going I didn’t want to be alone. I can tell you what happened, I can tell you where I’ve been, I can tell you what was said, it wouldn’t be enough. But Ron, you’re no longer there, you’re better off now, things will be okay. I can remove the knife from my chest, doesn’t mean the pain is gone, some places, some experiences just never leave you. I’m homeless, I’ve been assaulted, my dog is sick, my aunt died, I haven’t eaten in days, my cousin died, I need to help my dad, I need to help my mom. YOU DON’T KNOW HOW HARD IT IS, ARE YOU HOMELESS? DO YOU HAVE A ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD? It was all a lie. I emptied out my savings to help someone I loved but all I really did was help them be comfortable with somebody else, with anybody else, now in a couple of months I’ll probably actually be homeless. I was betrayed in every sense of the word, but Ron! Are you currently being betrayed? That’s in the past! I know what’ll cheer you up, how about we not talk about it at all and I take you to a place you don’t want to be!
I’m a fucking idiot.
Watashi wa kuso bakadesu.
Soy un maldito idiota.
Me turn bumbaclot idiot mon.
Doesn’t matter how I say it, doesn’t make it any less true. Doesn’t matter who you point the finger at, it all comes back to me. But Ronny you can’t beat yourself up, it’s not your fault things will get be- Guys. I’m an idiot but I’m not stupid. You know the phrase “Wouldn’t let it happen to me though”? I’m the epitome of it. How many times have I ruined my life? What am I on, the 4th turn? I remember it like it was yesterday, I tried to kill myself.
I finally got a car, something I was waiting for, for years! Finally got my own. Freedom, the open road, no waiting for the bus, no begging for a ride, I can just send a text and pull up to sweetie’s house, Ronjon I got in a fight with my stupid sister, can you pick me up? No worries KP I’m on the way (Jesus Christ, I have no idea how I even remembered that little tidbit, that was 12 years ago) Anyways, cold December night, just like this one, just after Christmas, I was broken, sleeping on the floor, watching the same anime DVD over and over again, wouldn’t leave my room, nothing would’ve gotten through to that kid. I sent a text to some friends, no response, next text I got from them was “Holy shit dude, your sister texted me, something about a car crash? What hospital are you in?” I remember my homie came to visit me, nurse was taking my vitals she says “Heard you got into an accident, what kinda car?” Without skipping a beat this suuuuperstar says, “Yeah, Ferrari, surprised he walked away, he’s single by the way”
I was moved. I got locked up (They won’t let me out) spent New Years in the hospital. Visiting hours so no afterparties, force you meds so no champagne, can’t open the window so can’t see any fireworks. I told my brother (Holy crap, I still can’t believe I remember this, it was 12 years ago) that this was the lowest point of my life and he said Yeah mon, but it’s di bottom, all you can do is climb up from this. God do I wish that were true. If I woke up tomorrow and this was all some fever dream, I was in a coma for 12 years? I am STRUTTING out of that hospital, Stone Cold Steve Austin theme song blaring! Walk into the nearest LCBO pick up a beer, two beers, three beers, some tequila, a bottle of Remy Martin 1738 (Wait, when did Trap Queen come out? 2015!? Never mind I would’ve slept through that) some more tequila, and that’s all I gotta say about that. Lifechanging Trauma? Sweetie? Crippling debt? What are you talking about Ron? You’ve been asleep for 12 years, you now weigh 168 pounds (Lean) time to bulk up.
So now things are exponentially worse than they’ve ever been, no solution in sight. It’s easier to ignore me than to tell a lie neither of us will believe. So why bother? The worst part is, you genuinely couldn’t help even if you wanted to. Unfortunately the solution to the situation is to never be in the situation. I’m reaching out but for what? I spill my heart and your response is, to not respond, just stare at the floor, or dismiss my feelings and tell me I’m wrong, and that’s just with family. It honestly feels like Final Destination, well Ron’s gotta die somehow, let’s make it as bad as it could be and force him out. There’s got to be some answer Ron! Okay let’s look at the solutions.
Pray. Alright, God has heard me, heard me for 20 years.
Therapy. Okay. So I have seen over 15 therapists. The one I have is the best, however when their profession is to help and they say “Well fuck, what can we do” maybe it’s very difficult. He’s the best, he’s helped me a lot but the feeling is constant, I’m not just upset that Matt Ryan threw an interception (sky is blue) I am very and utterly depressed. Depression can affect anyone, rich or poor, single or married, failure or success. It doesn’t matter. The sessions help, but it’s like going to the gym, once a year won’t do much, doesn’t matter how long you ran if you go home and eat three pizzas, doesn’t matter how much you bench if you go home and curl a dozen donuts into your mouth. Cause and effect, it could only help so much.
Rum in my coffee because the bottle’s not empty yet,
Throw up everything I eat, already full with regret.
Sun is rising and I’m still awake,
Nothing’s getting better, what’s it going to take?
I said I’d be real right? I’ve given up a long time ago.
Nobody wakes up one day and oops I’m 400 pounds. I am not wrestling Chris Jericho at the Royal Rumble next month, I am not The Big Show. I will not be blocking for Nick Foles tonight against the Los Angeles Chargers. I have no reason to be this weight but I’ve given up, I hate myself, I will never forgive myself. Hey Ron! You don’t have to hate yourself! We can go for little walks and then jogs! We can even go to the gym tomorrow! What do you say chum? Go fuck yourself. Harumph! How dare you!? I am trying to help and this is how you repay me? I am clearly ignoring whatever legitimate trauma you are suffering through and merely suggested that you, man with crippling depression and anxiety simply just go to the gym with me! A person you barely talk to! Thanks, God bless. This isn’t Ron’s weight loss journey. I have legitimately written about killing myself on this blog since 2014, look it up, it’s there.
There are a lot of circumstances to my life that have caused it to be this way, I’m not on the Fortune 500 just because “There’s jobs out there, you just don’t want to do them” it’s tough to find work. You go in for over countless interviews, you shake the hands, you speak to the managers and get belittled, ridiculed and dehumanized. Yeah bro, I can get you in no problem, my buddy works there! He’s not the manager, he’s not in charge of hiring, you have absolutely no experience and it’s three hours away but it’s simple bro, just send me your resume. Yeah… I’m not sure what happened, they said they were hiring sorry bro. You can’t just pick and choose, my depression isn’t a chore list, even if I was jacked, life still happened, I’d be depressed. Even if I was Ronny Millions, I’d have a lot of distractions, be surrounded by all the sweetest sweeties but I’d still be alone.
To the little homies. Uncle Ron got really sick, but it’s like brushing your teeth. If you get sick and you don’t take care of it, it can get real bad. If things get bad for you, you always got your Mom and Dad, Grandmas, cousins, even your Aunts and Uncles. Never be afraid to let people know you’re hurting, it isn’t weak, it’s one of the strongest things you can do. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there to teach you how to play football, or curl in a deadly shot in soccer, there was one of your Uncle’s favorites, his name is Ronaldo too, I hope you’ll learn how to SIUUUU. I really hope I’m not some secret and that you know I love you very much. The world is an amazing place and I wish I could be there for you when it gets dark and scary, you’ll be little heartbreakers but I hope you know turnabout is fair play so always be kind and loyal. Being a sibling is one of the strongest bonds there is, so please look out for each other, always let each other know you care, don’t become strangers in the same house. Your mental health is just as important as your physical health, take care of yourselves and learn to love who you are. I know you’ll make me proud, no matter what you do, I hope you’ll always be kind, friendly and helpful. Just be careful, don’t be too helpful like Uncle Ron (You read the above don’t be silly, trust your gut kings) I loved you from the first time I saw you and heard you were coming. Always try your best. I know this is going to sound really silly but check out Naruto. I know, I know. Uncle Ron is a NERD. But that number one knucklehead ninja taught me a lot, it takes a village, you will meet some incredible people in your life, cherish them, build them up just as much as they build you up. I know you’ll achieve your dreams, I believe It. (You’ll get that later on) Love you guys.
Man I am no good at weddings or goodbyes, I thought I was some jaded old man but I cried like a baby writing that haha. Ah life, you never know, maybe we look back at this and laugh (probably not) maybe this is the final blog, things are bad. What else can I say? Again, I kinda have been writing these for 8 years. I don’t want any of you to feel bad, I have some really good people in my life, the support has been incredible. A lot of the times I’m down and out, staring off into space at the train platform thinking how easy it would be to just take a couple of steps and finally rest. Don’t feel like I’ve forgotten, as you read I can apparently call forth memories that should be long gone, I know you’ve been here, I know you’ve tried. It’s been a blast, the touchdowns, the parties, the many drinks shared, trips to the casino, wins and losses, games, sleepovers, from evil exes to fiancés and weddings. It kinda just flew by, I’m glad you’ve given me many stories to tell. Seems like we’ve gone a long way from waking up at 7am dreading the day, then feeling better seeing each other at school. Now you guys are waking up next to Sweetums getting ready to work at your careers and here I am at 9 am dreading falling asleep. Where did it all go wrong? Heh, that could be multiple choice with different answers.
I forgive you. I know it must not be easy to have such a colossal failure of a son, every time you look at this grey haired obese loser you must blame yourself right? Where did I go wrong? Was there something I could’ve done? I know you only watched one football game but I’m glad you were there. I know I haven’t really done much to be proud of, but I hope back then when I had some semblance of potential you were able to mention me in a positive light.
I forgive you too. Must’ve been really tough going from fast money to not knowing when you’d be able to get back to work again. I still remember the tears from when I first helped you out, you had this smile, that I fell in love with. I wanted to be the reason for it, I’ll never be in your shoes, I’ll never know what was actually true, what you went through couldn’t have been easy, and you have some absolute dingus doing whatever he could to save the day. Unfortunately I do know what was false, and it’s really bad. Jesus Christ, was it bad. I wish I was better, I wish I wasn’t a joke. Maybe you would’ve taken us seriously. Well you’ll always be the last because God bless your heart if you think I’ll ever trust again. You taught me a very important and expensive lesson, thank you but fuck you.
Why be so sincere to people who’ll never read this? I said I’d be real didn’t I? Even in my last words, I still want to be me, even if you’re crying I’m trying to make you laugh. As much of a failure as I was, I’m glad I made you laugh. Maybe in another life, that’s all I’d be doing, telling jokes, making people forget all the negative shit and have a good ass laugh. Selling out arenas, have you rewinding videos to hear the punchline again and again. Wouldn’t it be nice? Thanks for giving me the courage to go live, for asking me to do an impression or tell a story. Thanks for making me feel something. I’m sorry I couldn’t be as strong as this super jacked Ron you have in your heads. I’m stuck. Caged. Sorry to hit you again Seabiscuit but some places, some experiences never leave you. Getting out of this situation, this nightmare, is my last hope, my final fantasy.
-Nerd Out.
nerd in the north 